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Writer’s Block

June 18, 2010 Comedy, Opinion No comments

Do you every get the feeling that something just isn’t right in your life?  Like you’re just minding your own business, but Michael Dorn is stalking you while wearing the Worf makeup from ST:DS9?

Worf is hunting you, humans.

Worf is hunting you, humans.

Well, we all feel that way sometimes. Usually, we’re just being paranoid, but on occasion, we find “Worf” searching through our closets licking our clothes. It happens. Not everything that sounds like a paranoid delusion really is. Sometimes, just sometimes, they really are out to get you.  For instance, did you know that J. Edgar Hoover actually wiretapped hundreds of “dissedents” during his reign over the FBI? Or that the Austrian government has in fact conducted secret experiments on the border of human consciousness for decades? Or that 9 has embedded a secret code filament on this site which will, when activated, cause you to sell all your property and donate the proceeds to the newly formed First Evangelical Church of 9?
Here are some of the most impossibly true plots to truely ruin your life:
#1: NASA (National Assosication of Sodomites and Assholes)
Under the guise of the National Aeronautics and Space Administration, NASA has seeped it’s way into everyone’s life. The cold, hard truth about this “National Administration” that isn’t mentioned a single time in the Constitution, is that they are secretly devising new, and more terrifying, ways to anally violate your children while making you watch. G Dub tried to protect us from this, demanding the NASA be exiled to Mars, but the Democrats, always happy to appease criminals and the gay agenda, overruled this.

#2: Larry King Wants to Steal Your Soul
Little known fact about legendary interviewer Larry King: He is a soulless lich that has existed since the middle ages. Under the name Larrious Rex, he amassed a small fortune bilking the princes of Germany out of millions. Then he began sacrificing the Teutonic children to his dark gods until he was killed by the nobles. His dark god took pity on him and granted him immortallity and fame. In return, Larry King must establish contact with unknown people and give their names to his dark lord in order for his existence to continue.
More to come in the following weeks!

Star Trek Online: A Review

May 28, 2010 Comedy, Entertainment Reviews 2 comments

I, as you probably are not aware, love video games. I have since the late ’80s and I still do today, despite the lack of progress in video games as a creative medium. My current run of the gamut is MMORPGs (Massively Multiplayer Online Role Playing Games for the few of you that don’t know). I decided, despite my reluctance to have anything to do with anything related to Gene Roddenberry and dullness of City of Heroes, to try Cryptic Studios’ Star Trek Online.

Now, let me get one thing straight right off the bat. I have watched pretty much all of Star Trek, with the exception of about half of Star Trek, and all of Enterprise. There is nothing wrong with Roddenberry’s vision of the future. But if you are expecting to peacefully explore the reaches of the galaxy, you are going to be sorely disappointed. The game is built on Rick Berman’s pissing all over the original, idealic vision of the future that Gene Roddenberry strove to create.

The game is a clunky mess of different ideas clobbled together with, possibly, the best of intentions; however, it is still a clunky mess. To begin with, you don’t just have one character. You have two. Your avatar and your ship. For the most part, the avatar is useless, not because the gameplay is too terrible to stand. Rather the avatar’s portions of the game are buggy beyond use. I have crashed the game eighteen times, not intentionally, but because the engine was designed for the space side of the game.

Next, you have two playable factions in the game. The Federation, and the Klingon Empire. To unlock the Klingons, to have to get a Federation character to level- excuse me- grade 6. And then you get to play as a Klingon, which was apparently rushed through development.

Also, you get to play as a crapton of different aliens. However, you will probably notice as I did that, for the more part, the species are all equally useless. The aliens, and humans, no need to exclude them, all have a trait or two that make them special. Then you can choose another two or three traits to get yourself to a solid four traits. Or you can make your own alien species and choose all four traits with no real added benefit.

As 9 and I have discussed amongst ourselves, the game seems as if one of two things happened during development. One, the project director was weak willing and approved every idea thrown at him. Or two, the project idea had no real idea and just didn’t care about the property.

Instead of just being one of those reviewer that just tears crap down, here are some ideas that actually could make STO an enjoyable game. One, increase the size of space and spread the missions out a bit. Two, faster transit. Three, finish building the Klingon side and introduce the other factions in the game as playable (Really. Romulan Birds of Prey kick ass.).  Three, either cut down of the avatar portions of gameplay, or fix them so the game doesn’t crash whenever you are not in your ship. Four, have someone on the development crew realise that space is completely three dimensional (I want my death from above and below tactics). Five, complete understanding that the game is skill based from the developers so they can actually make the skills worthwhile. And finally, change the setting from right after the Dominion War to a couple of centries later, so that you don’t have the super cheese of sticking in etablished characters in a desperate attempt to give your game credibility.

My final verdict on STO is that it could be a fairly fun space MMO (Not as much fun as Star War Galaxies though.), but it is marred by obvious failings.

Of Computer Repairs

May 21, 2010 Comedy, Common Sense, Tech 2 comments

So a few months ago, I was heading to work, steppedout the front door and onto the first step. Then blam! I was on my ass and I smashed my back into the bottom stair. I was in severe pain as I had injured my back only a week previously. I went back inside and called in, then settle into a less painful position to relax for the duration of my shift.

I whipped out my laptop very slowly, and noticed the screen was dead. So I was out a laptop, right?

Wrong.

I did some shopping around for a a new screen and found it, ranging in price from $50 to $500, which was more than twice the price of the laptop to begin with. So I said “Screw it,” for a while until my brother offered to get me a new laptop screen. That arrived today, but the installation was hell.

In order to replace a 10.1″ laptop screen you have remove 10 tiny screws from random places throughout the back of the screen.  Which isn’t a problem if you are doing computer repair in a proper place. But in a dark basement with very little in the way of light makes thing difficult. But I managed, through sheer frustration, to install the screen. Which was a massive pain. And irritating. But my laptop is functional again. So hooray.

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