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Stupid Job Search.

Over the last few years (ever since college in fact) I've been told some pretty stupid things while looking for a job to pay the rent. So has Mitch. This is our little compilation of the best:

From 9's files!!
Los Angeles County Sheriff's Department
Position: Property Custodian (Keep people things safe while they are being processed.)
"We're sorry but you do not meet the minimum requirements for this position."
Note: Listed minimum requirements were: High school diploma, Ability to lift 35 lbs, no criminal record, fluent in english.

??? ...It was on craigslist.
Position: Janitor
"..."
Note: This one isn't so much an actual applying story, but instead about the wanted ad itself. This job offered 18 dollars an hour, full family medical, dental, paid vacations, and a ton of other benefits. It was a floor maintainance and cleaning job, full time, and it seemed to be a dream. The only problem was in big bold letters at the bottom of the ad was "MUST SPEAK SPANISH. English optional." That in itself was depressing, but on an uplift note, the question of why exactly they posted it in english was rather amusing to speculate.

JCPenny
Position: Sales
"We're sorry, but your answers do not meet with the JCPenny standards."
Note: I don't remember what exactly their automated testing told me, but it was to that effect. Then it went on to tell me to apply again in 3 months. The ridiculous part of this, of course, was the actual test itself, with such gems of questions as:
"I have stolen from my employer in the past, but I promise to never do it again."
A) Yes (Yes, I promise to never steal? Is that what they are asking?)
B) No (No, I have never stolen from an employer? Or is it No, I will do it again?)
And the ever so lovely questions where part of it almost seem like a correct answer, but there's so much extra shit tacked onto it that the answers become nonviable:
"A furious customer comes up to you and begins yelling about broken merchandise"
A) Offer them a refund, then kick them in the throat.
B) Calmly listen to their complains, then rape their mother.
C) Call security and commit ritual suicide to appease the Pudding God.
D) Stare Blankly at them, call them stupid then drool on yourself.

McLane Shipping
Position: Warehousing, LATER: Forklift operator trainee
"We're sorry, but you do not have the experience necessary for this position." LATER: "We're sorry, but you don't have the proper qualifications."
Note: The job ad that I had applied with said at the top "No experience necessary!" LATER: I applied at the behest of a friend. They told me that McLane had hired them, then paid for their forklift training. Same with everyone else there. They get hired, McLane trains them. In my case, they told me I had to already have the training. And yes, before you ask, yes, I was applying for the right position. When I related the story to my friend, their response was priceless: "What are you talking about? McLane trains people. They trained me."

Cisco System Support Center
Postion: Customer Support/Technical Support/Telephone Support
"We regret to inform you that you are overqualified for the position."
Note: The position I applied for was phone support for onsite IT personnel. There were two people that applied for the job, an idiot and myself. Considering I didn't get the job because I was "overqualified" I assume it went to the idiot.

RIDICULOUS ADS
Most of these were found while living in Iowa, a few were in Colorado and California. I wrote them down on a notebook in shorthand whenever I stumbled onto them.

***WANTED: Computer Technician NEEDED NOW!!***
Duties: Repair computers, troubleshoot errors and network problems, perform daily maintainance of systems and networks, assist with software installations. TCPIP experience pref.
Requirements:
HONEST!
MUST SPEAK ENGLISH!
A+, C++, SQL, Microsoft Windows 98SE, Javascript, Excel, Microsoft Office
At least BS in Accounting
At least 5 years paid full time exp Solaris servers
2 years exp QS2500
(Ok, Ok,... wait, Accounting? Excel? What? Also, the QS2500 threw me for a loop too, until I finally found out that it’s a barcode scanner. Okay... So... you're a server technician that has to do inventory and balance the budget of the company... Uh... good luck finding someone with all that crap at once. And then they wonder why people lie on their applications?)

Mitch's Files!!
84 Lumber Co.
Position: Manager-in-Training
"That position was filled a month ago by the most qualified applicant."
Note: It was a trial to even get this answer from these people. I applied and recieved a phone call the next day from their hiring center. After a brief questionaire, I was told that I would probably get the job because they were looking for as many Managers-in-Training as possible to complete their company's expansion. Two weeks later I called back to find out why I hadn't received a phone call to set up my interview. They hadn't faxed my paperwork to the store. Two more weeks later, I called again to see if I was finally going to get an interview, and they told me the manager was on vacation, so it'd be a little longer. Two more weeks later, I called again, this time to the store itself, which told me the regional hiring manager wasn't in town, and they need him to go through the applications to select for interviews. Two more weeks later, when I called, I spoke to the regional hiring manager who told me there was a mountain of applications and that he'd have the list of people to interview by the end of the week. Again, two weeks later, I called and was told by the store manager that the position (singular) had been filled a month ago. Before I could ask him why I had been jerked around over the phone, he hung up on me.